I'm afraid to resume sexual intercourse: where to start?
Camille Bataillon
Sexologist
Pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period bring about significant physical, relational, and emotional changes.
One aspect that new parents often grapple with is resuming sexual activity after having a baby.
There's a lot of pressure placed on this aspect. Remember, pressure and stress don't mesh well with a fulfilling sex life.
This article explores the step-by-step process of resuming sex in as positive and relaxed a manner as possible.
What You Should Know
The desire during the postpartum period will depend on each individual, their situation, and their relationship. Studies show that three months postpartum, half of women report a lack of sexual desire or a decrease in libido, and that this libido slowly returns by the end of the baby's first year for the majority of them.
While there's often discussion about when you'll feel physically ready for postpartum sex, it's essential to recognize that emotional, physical, and relational factors play a significant role in this aspect of your life as well.
Fear of Getting Pregnant Again
For many new heterosexual parents, the fear of getting pregnant again can be a real emotional roadblock to resuming sexual activity.
This fear may be particularly potent if permanent sterilization measures haven't been taken.
The uncertainty of birth control methods can lead to anxiety, even if previous discussions have taken place. I recommend discussing contraception together. For those who are very anxious,
I recommend using condoms (combined with another form of contraception if necessary) and ejaculation outside the vagina.
Shifting Priorities
Many factors can impact sexuality, such as one's relationship with their body, vagina, and breasts, hormones, fatigue, stress, trauma, the state of the relationship, and more.
After having a baby, your priorities may shift dramatically.
The demands of caring for a newborn, combined with sleepless nights, can leave you in survival mode.
Sex may not be a top priority when basic tasks like sleep and self-care become a luxury.
Especially if you're the only one in your relationship taking care of it, feelings of resentment, loneliness, and disconnection can arise.
Timeline of Healing
It's important to understand that the timeline of healing from childbirth varies for each person.
For non-penetrative sex, you can engage in it whenever you feel comfortable.
While some may feel physically ready for postpartum sex sooner, others may need more time.
There's no set timeframe for healing, and it's essential to listen to your body and prioritize your well-being. Ultimately, you are the best judge of how your body and mind feel.
Communication as a Couple
Resuming sexual activity involves more than just physical healing.
Having a baby transforms your life and your relationship.
It's crucial to explore and acknowledge the changes in your relationship and communicate openly with your partner.
Seeking Professional Help
Studies have shown that postpartum women who received counseling on intimacy, communication, and psychological aspects of postpartum sex had higher sexual satisfaction.
Seeking professional help can be beneficial in navigating these changes.
Safety Guideline
Emotions play a vital role in postpartum sex. Here are four tips for resuming intimacy with desire and pleasure:
When both are ready
Thinking beyond penetration
When communication is established
When birth control is appropriate (in heterosexual couples)
It's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and ensure that you feel comfortable and ready when you choose to resume sexual activity.
Simple Tips and Tricks
You know your body better than anyone else.
If you don’t feel like having sex, it’s your right. Communicate openly with your partner about your fears, desires, and boundaries.
Understanding each other's feelings can lead to a more positive postpartum sexual experience.
Understand that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to approach postpartum sex.
Every couple's journey is unique, and it's crucial not to feel guilty or ashamed about your choices.
Don't hesitate to seek professional help if needed.
Therapy or counseling can provide valuable guidance and support during this transition.
Especially in moments when discussing sex within the relationship feels challenging.
Q&As
Is fear of getting pregnant again a common emotional roadblock to postpartum sex?
Yes, fear of getting pregnant again can be a significant emotional roadblock for many new parents. Uncertainty about birth control methods and the impact of another pregnancy can lead to anxiety. Understand what you need to feel reassured (professionals can help).
How can communication as a couple help in navigating postpartum sex?
Open and honest communication with your partner is essential. Discussing your fears, desires, and boundaries can strengthen your emotional connection and lead to a more positive postpartum sexual experience. It's best to practice a lot of communication before having a baby.
Remember that your postpartum experience is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to postpartum sex.
The most important thing is to prioritize your emotional well-being, listen to your body's healing timeline, and ensure that you and your partner feel comfortable and ready when the time is right.
Heading to the hospital. Having some bleeding. Not like a period but it’s there when I wipe. I did have sexual intercourse yesterday morning and they did say that can be very normal but they want to get me on machine and just make sure baby looks okay. I am scared. I haven’t had any complications at all this pregnancy 🥺😞
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