Common Sexual Fantasies That Are Totally Normal
Like sex itself, sexual fantasies are as old as time.
One’s gender or sexuality doesn’t matter—people have them and use them to reach orgasm during sex.
The History and Misconceptions of Sexual Fantasies
And yet our culture has long been confused about sexual desire.
It wasn't until 1996, according to The New York Times, that psychologists realized “most of the last 50 years of research on the subject has been blind to the true nature of women's erotic yearnings and sexuality.”
In Garden of Desires: The Evolution of Women's Sexual Fantasies, author Emily Dubberley writes of a 1973 magazine article that stated, unsarcastically, “Women do not have sexual fantasies, period. Men do.”
Naturally, this was wrong. When they heard the myth that Cleopatra got off with a hollowed-out gourd of buzzing bees, did they really believe that she was thinking of nothing?
That she was just staring out at the landscape of Egypt completely thoughtless?
There’s a better chance that she was thinking about how Mark Antony’s penis couldn’t possibly compare to her bees—which, according to the legend, was the first vibrator.
Navigating the Conversation: Bringing Up Fantasies with Your Partner
So what is a sexual fantasy? A sexual fantasy is any mental image, thought, or story that turns you on.
You may be dying to act it out or just like to think about it. But while we all have our thing (or two or five or eight) that gets us off, some people tend to question if their kinky sex fantasies are “normal.”
“I’m not sure who gets to decide what ‘normal’ is in terms of a fantasy,” says Ericka Hart, MEd, sex educator and black queer femme activist. “
But I will say white supremacy has put so many parameters on our imaginations that not feeling wrong when we think beyond vanilla hetero sex takes some unlearning.
As long as the fantasy is consensual—freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific—it can be carried out.”
Exploring Sexual Fantasies Safely: Research and Consent
No matter what your jam is in fantasyland, remember that your private thoughts don’t define you—and that it’s okay to have sexual fantasies that conflict with who you believe yourself to be IRL.
Your fantasy life is your fantasy life, until and unless you choose to make it into more. Whether the situations you picture are tame or wild, “standard” or taboo, sexual imagination can be a deep well of joy and excitement. (It can also make sex last longer!)
Exploring Sexual Fantasies Safely: Research and Consent
While not everyone has a desire to act out their sexual fantasies—which is also normal!—for those who do, it’s important to follow some rules.
Especially if you’re engaging in acts like BDSM, a sexual fantasy that 96% of women and 93% of men have had, according to 2019 research conducted by Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD. It’s important not to just dive in blindly.
Navigating Different Desires: When Fantasies Differ with Your Partner
In some cases, fantasies don’t align.
Sometimes fantasies can be so different, that they reveal a part of you to your partner that they didn’t realize existed and vice versa.
When this happens, it’s important to navigate it in a way that doesn’t make either one of you feel ashamed or regret sharing your erotic fantasy.
Be honest.
Consider a compromise—but only if you’re comfortable with it.
Use other resources.
The Power of Sexual Fantasy: Benefits and Empowerment
Even if you and your partner never act out your sexual fantasies, it’s still important to share such intimate thoughts and daydreams.
In a culture that still frowns upon people owning their sexuality, especially women and nonbinary folks, putting words to your desires, communicating them, expressing them, and giving life to them is an empowering move for all sexual orientations.
Common Sexual Fantasies: Themes and Desires Explored
In 2014, the results of the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. The questionnaire aimed to discover what percentage of people have rare or unusual sexual fantasies, compared with those who have what are regarded as common.
According to the findings, only 2.3% and 15.9% of the participants had fantasies that are considered rare or unusual, respectively.
On the other hand, the same sexual fantasy questionnaire found that more than 50% of people have “common” sexual fantasies and more than 84% have “typical” sexual fantasies.
